I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize