Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
