So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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