since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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