I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
