I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
