C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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