I can tuck mytits in my pants
I cannot find my penis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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