Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
