How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
