I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
