I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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