I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
