i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
