Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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