I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
