Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
