No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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