Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
