the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
