I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
