I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
