Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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