I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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