i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
