I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
