The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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