She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
