wat bout pragnant strippers??
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
