hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
