I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize