Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
