I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
