Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
