And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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