Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
