So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
