Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
