I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
where am i from again
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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