hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
