I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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