I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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