I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
