Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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