There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
