Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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