he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
