she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
