we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
