She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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