Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
