I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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