mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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