Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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