Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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