dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
