Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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