Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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