Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
