My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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