The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
