Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
