I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
