I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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