He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
