I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
