ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
